Hello and welcome to the midlife crisis podcast. I’m your host Calvin, also known as Revparblems on Instagram. I’m excited to do this talk show with my best friends from high school and college, Steve and Mikko, what can you expect on this podcast? Well, I like to call it a talk show for Men of a Certain Age. We’re not quite old. But we’re the kind of guys that have to make sure we don’t miss our alcohol on a night out, you know? we’ll chat about current events, trending topics, and things that we just need to get on our soapbox about. knowing us, we’ll be laughing the whole time. And ladies, don’t worry if you ever wanted to know what your husband or boyfriend talks about in the man cave. Stick around. Now, keep in mind, we’re old enough to remember when Parental Advisory stickers went on CDs. If you don’t know what CDs are, you’re too young for this podcast. Speaking of which, make sure you have your headphones in. It’s NSFW as these kids say. We’ll be bringing that flavor to your weekly on your way to work while you’re shaving, or just sitting around wondering why you’re back hurts. So let’s get this show on the road. Hello, and welcome to midlife crisis podcast. I’m your host Calvin here as always, with my boys, Steve and Mikko, bringing that flavor to your ear on a weekly basis. On today’s episode, we’ll be discussing how to deal with bullies. We’ll bring you our Chris Rock quote of the week. Get off my lawn, and stay tuned for a brand new segment at the end. But first, how was your week fellas?
Mine was ups and downs. I had stored a lot of my winter clothes in a big storage thing. Put them in my attic. Added some mothballs to it just I don’t know. First time I’m ever storing clothes.
This is back in. Back in June. I opened that thing up today. This smell raped my nose.
Oh, those are strong.
It was horrible. Yeah, yeah, it was so bad. And like if clothes touch those clothes, those clothes smell. Yeah, I have to I’m calling over a priest to get rid of the shit. I got rid of. I had to throw it all away. I had to donate it all. I donated it all to Goodwill. And as I’m
I put it into a garbage bag. garbage bag goes in the trunk. As soon as I open up the trunk. The guy from the goodwill is all smiley and cheery and shit. I opened up my trunk. It was like a lion was roaring. When I opened that thing up. It was so bad. And again, the smell kicks you right in the face. And I hand the bag to the guy and the smile just disappeared from his face. And then I handed him a bike and I go Hey, man, have a great day. He goes Yeah, you too. So that’s
It doesn’t smell bad. It’s strong, but it’s not like a bad smell.
I must have bought like the the mothballs that you use for like an entire house. And I concentrated them all in this tiny ass thing. Wait, and how can you fuck up mothballs?
Well, what was the size? Were they like? The little balls are like the ones that look like a urinal cake.
The little balls, but there was a lot of them. And
okay. Because there’s some big ones. I’m like if you threw a few of those into a box of clothes then yeah,
I got the squirrel nut size, not the pig nut size. You know, it was the appropriate size for the application.
Got it? Got it. Got it.
Fuck my shit up, man. It was uh, I have to buy all new sweaters and stuff now I’m back. I’m pretty annoyed. Now shit. But other than that, it’s great. Great week. Assaulting the shit out of my nose.
No, man. How about you guys?
for me is a quiet week two, I can’t even front it was nothing really happened. Work wise was kind of cool. We took a lot of our outside employees that were working at other MOB’s like other medical office buildings, and we brought them back into our department. So that was like a big move for us. You know, getting everyone out of like the COVID testing site and back into our department. So that was it. It was cool. I mean, other than that, quiet week stayed home didn’t really go out much this week. So slow week. How about you?
Yeah, this week was good, man. I think I mentioned on last week’s episode, I can’t remember. But this past week, I had my first speaking engagement. So that was pretty cool. I spoke in front of the the Westchester hotel Association. So it was good. I was about maybe 50 or so people there. Number one, it was obviously exciting to do that for the first time. But it was just cool to be around people. You know, obviously, everything was socially distanced and everything. All the seats were spread out. Everybody had their mask on, except when I went up to speak, you know, but there was a reception and like people were kind of hanging out. I was like this starting to feel like normal life again. So that was cool. And I actually got to share the stage with Glenn Haussman, who you guys may remember is the host of the No Vacancy podcast that I was on a couple months ago. So that was cool. So shout out to Glenn I will definitely tag you in there because we need some of your followers to hit us up too. So, we’re gonna we’re gonna piggyback I got no shame. I’m gonna piggyback right off of that. But it was cool. It was good to see him we, you know, we talked a bit, so it was real good. Other than that, it was kind of like downhill from there. Like, you know, you get like really revved up to do something. And then after that is kind of like, I just want to sleep for a day. You know, I’ve been prepping for that for a couple of months. So like, you get all jacked up to you know, to do something and when it’s over. It’s like, okay, you need to relax for the rest of the week was just chill. We went out to brunch today. Nice weather. I’m surprised first week of October and we’re still having 60-70 degrees here in New York. So that’s pretty good. Taking advantage of that.
It’s 100 here, dude. It was like 90
It was hot as hot as I don’t know what oh, that’s why we never went out. It was just so damn hot outside. Seriously, plus the fires, you know, the air quality sucks.
I was gonna ask. I was gonna get real question. Is that still happening?
It’s still happening.
It’s still going on? Yeah, damn. So no, it’s funny how stuff just kind of its daily news for like a week and then nobody’s talking about it. But yeah, it’s still happening.
Nah. It’s like herpes. It’s still there.
Never know when it’s gonna flare up.
You know when it’s hot like this my AIDS just act up.
Took some robitussin I’m fine now.
Oh, man, it’s hard to segue off of that. But I’m gonna try. So speaking of speaking engagements, we all had to suffer through the presidential debate this week. And I’m gonna say I did a lot better job than Trump did. I didn’t interrupt anybody. And I was respectful of the other speaker. So I win straight off, but how did you guys I’m sure everybody watched it. Would you guys think of that?
I think if anyone was expecting Trump to do a regular by the book, or even remotely civil debate. They haven’t been paying attention for the last three years, or know anything about the guy. I think Chris Wallace did a commendable job as a moderator. I’m looking forward to him shutting off the mic on that asshole. During the next debate.
they need to do that. Yeah, I was wondering if maybe that wasn’t allowed, or something? Yeah, I mean, it’s ridiculous. The guy’s never gonna follow the rules, right? How many times you have to say, Mr. President, two minutes to you know, it’s two minutes after, you know, one or two warnings and, then that’s it.
My wife and I and my daughter had gone over to a friend’s house, they had a kid so the kids will keep themselves occupied. We’re watching this, huh. I’m sitting there. I am intently listening to this. As I’m trying not to fart, and, and so I’m keeping all of this in. And I’m getting so angry. And I don’t know what I’m more angry about whether you know what I’m seeing on TV or that I just can’t fart.
And that was an hour and a half event. So that’s a long time
I marathon through that shit, man, I I watched the whole thing. My wife is like, trying to like touch my arm like get the fuck off me. I’ve got to pay attention to this. And so that part.
Exactly. God forbid you just let loose and laugh about something
That was my night watching that. Just a ton of anger.
I was actually watching it. And I was like, texting Cal at the same time. And I was just telling him I think every, like 10 seconds. Like, I can’t stomach this. Like, I can’t watch this. And I think I said it like 8 times. To be honest with you. He’s just a fucking bully. I’m sorry. Like, he can’t put sentences together. He can’t string a logical thought to save his frickin life. And every time Biden hit him with something, he had to interrupt and bring up some dumb non topic, item up just so he can get like that tension off of what Biden was saying about him, or the policies that he had on ideas that he had. And he just kept on doing that. And I think he got COVID on purpose, so that he can avoid being blasted by everyone else because I’ve been going on Twitter, even on his like, own Trump, Twitter, his official Twitter account, people were saying they’re gonna switch sides. Like a lot of people out of his people will change their mind about Trump, which is kind of crazy. And people will just like,
That is crazy.
You know, you can see it all over Twitter. I changed my mind about Trump. And was saying he’s just incoherent. He can’t say anything and all the good things that they said that he had done for the country. All of these people are like walking that back now. You know, as far as the debate goes, I couldn’t watch it.
Yeah, I mean, I’m interested in that. I would be interested to have a conversation with that person, because it’s like, well, what’s changed over the past four years, he’s the exact same jackass he’s been. This is his campaign from the first go around. He’s not doing anything different. He’s not saying anything different not behaving different. It’s not like he was so respectful in the debates with Hillary. So what changed your mind? I mean, I’m glad they did. But what exactly is it that he’s doing now that all of a sudden is different? Like why’d you vote for this clown in the first place?
I think they see a better option. I mean, I think they see Biden as a more palatable, tolerable option, versus Trump. And I think the country is my own personal opinion, and probably the opinion of a lot of people. But I don’t know if the country was ready for Hillary. And I don’t know the country was gonna be ready for Bernie’s way of thinking. But I think I can ride on Biden a little bit because he’s a little bit more tolerable. His policies, I guess, aren’t as crazy as Bernie’s and he’s not, you know, sad to say, but he’s not Hillary.
No, I agree. I mean, the way I saw it was, I think the people that Trump got riled up to vote for him. Were these right wingers, right. They’re not exactly tolerant people, to put it nicely. So. So you had eight years of a black man in office? And yeah, you know, that is not going to make these people very happy. So they’re not going to listen to a black man for eight years, and then listen to a woman on after that. They were like, Listen, enough, you know, people called it whitelash. And I think there’s an element of truth in that they were like, nah, nah, listen, we need to get our white men back in the office like enough of this bullshit. Yeah. And that’s actually what I’ve been telling a lot of people, whether or not you think Biden is the best candidate ever, that’s up for debate. But it’s better than what we have now. And it’s a step back in the right direction, at least his running mate as a female of color. Right? So you’re already making progress. So then maybe it’s more palatable after that to be like, Well, okay. Let’s see, I think it was just too much for those kind of people, you know, to go from black man or white woman knows, like nah nah enough. Yeah, you know, but yeah, I mean, I think you hit it on the head when you know, calling Trump, bully, I think that’s been his style. That’s just what he is. And that was my takeaway from the debate. And once it got to the point where you saw Biden was going to be the candidate, I said, pretty much paraphrasing what I just said, Just now, he may not be the quote, unquote, best one. But he’s going to be the one to fight with Trump. And that’s what you need right now. Because in my personal opinion, where I think Hillary didn’t do good enough, is she didn’t get down in the dirt with him. she tried to play this, I’m gonna stay on the high road approach. And that’s not how you fight a bully, you just got to stand up to him. You know, they don’t get that they don’t get high road and turn the other cheek. They don’t respect that. They don’t even understand what that is. They look at that as weakness. Yeah. And I think what she needed to do was kind of hit him back with some stuff. And I think Biden did, I think he did a pretty good job with that, you know, with hey just shut up, man, you know, I had to laugh, you know, I mean, you kind of got to take some of this stuff as just comedy, because that’s what I tuned in for. I was like, Listen, the memes that are gonna come out of this is gonna be crazy. I need to see this. You know, and I at this point, I try not to let Trump bother me to that point, just look at him as entertainment, which is more of just self preservation. That’s not really how you’re supposed to look at the President of the United States.
I was getting ready to say that
yeah, it’s just more of it. Like that’s the only way I can get through it is to look at him as a joke. But for what Biden did, you know, would say, hey, just shut up and what I would have done if I was him, and if I was advising him right now, when he’s tried to get on him about his kids, when Trump was talking about how his kids took $3 million, whatever from the Chinese. Yeah, I would have been like, motherfucker you don’t want to talk about kids?
Are you sure you want to go, there?
You know, Trump, I understand that you’re trying to attack my son for doing cocaine and getting kicked out of the military. But were you banging a porn star?
Fuck that he wanted to bang his own daughter?
Exactly. Yeah, you wanted to bang your own daughter? I’d have been like, Listen, I’m not trying to fuck my kids. You know? He wants talk about kids and payroll. I’m not sure that’s the road you want to go down here, bro. You know, that’s the one thing I’d be like. Yeah, you know, make sure to hit him with that shit next time. I mean, this is what kind of led to our conversation for the week is just how to deal with bullies. And what’s the best way to do that and our experiences with doing that. So I remember my earliest experience with this was I might have been around eight or nine years old. and going to school in Brooklyn. And when you had recess, you were just out in these huge concrete playgrounds, right? And my friends and I every day, we just hang out play kickball, whatever it is. And every day, you’d have these group of bullies that would basically kind of single one of us out and be like Yo, that one and just start chasing us. Nobody knew what the hell was going to happen when they caught you but you didn’t want to stick around to find out. So we’d split up and just, like, run in different directions. And I was fast as Hell as a kid, they couldn’t catch me for shit. And I mean, I take these guys on a journey. I take these motherfuckers on a journey around the playground like, you want to go, let’s go. They would chase we’re talking about four or five kids chasing me, I couldn’t get anywhere near me. I’m running around girls playing double dutch, what kind of shit? And like just ducking in and out of stuff after they would give up after a while. They’re like, fuck it, you know? But it got to one day where this kid is like, Yo, this one. And just something inside just said, Nah, not today. I’m not doing it. I didn’t move. I just stared at him. And he was just like, yo, we coming after you. I’m like, and I’m just staring. I’m not I didn’t have enough balls to say anything. I’m not gonna front but I just was staring at the dude. I was like, I’m not moving. And he comes up to me just looks at me up and down. He goes, yo, you steppin like you hard. Again, nothing. And then he just kind of looks me up and down and he’s like,ight and just walks away. And I was like, whooo! but ever since then. It’s just kind of like I realize like, bullies are just full of shit.
Like, y’all just wanna talk? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, y’all aint bout that life.
until you run up on one.
I had a, you know, a couple bullies as kids and stuff. But one that I had recently was at work.
I had this manager when I was in Chicago.
I was with this company as a big software company. I’m not gonna say who. But I had, like five managers, and had five managers within a ship. It was about a two year time. So every so often, I’m flipping managers, and the manager who they had coming in was this woman. And she had never been a salesperson before. But she’d always been just a manager. And I got like, a ton of warnings from people, people I trusted, that, you know, she was an asshole. She was this that the other thing, but you know, that was your experience. Let me get my own. And sure enough, you know, she, for whatever reason, her and I just didn’t see eye to eye on some fundamental things. I said, Well, you haven’t been in sales for a long time. And so you’re missing a perspective that had you been, you would see that I’m right. And I ran the scenario past other managers and stuff, and I was in the right. And she took that as like a huge insult. And from that day forward, she had my number. And she just fuck with me left and right. And it sucked. It sucked. And then when I finally quit, during my exit interview, I just let loose, they eventually moved her to another department. But Christ almighty was she an asshole? It was wild. I’d never had that happen to me before. And we don’t have an HR department to, to go to. Yeah, it was not. It really was because it was fucking with my, my job.
And she was a fucking asshole. I would love to say her name, but I’m not gonna give it the satisfaction.
Nah but yea
reminding me of them old Sizzler commercials
I did feel a tremendous amount of vindication during the exit interview, laying it all on the line. And I was like the fifth person to do that. So as I’m telling my story, this guy who was like five levels above me, his eyes are just going wide. And as I’m saying something, he’s bobbing his head, almost like he’s like listening to a song. And he’s waiting for me to say like, the next thing that he’s anticipating.
Because I said like three things and everybody he you know, interviewed who worked for this individual said these three things. She didn’t just fuck with me. She fucked with other people. She would Yeah. And again, this is a manager bringing in all manner of alcohol during a party. And she just loved to get people drunk, and then she’d love to ask them uncomfortable questions. And she asked like the one female on the team. Who do you think’s the cutest guy on on the team and blah, blah, blah. I’m like, bitch, we’re not. This is not a sleep over and we’re not doing each other’s hair talking about cute boy in class. You’re a fucking manager. You’re getting everybody drunk and asking who you’d bang.
This sounds like Paula from 40 year old virgin.
Oh god. I’d take Paula any day over this person
you ever heard term. Fuck, buddy?
well, it’s a special friend. Who you fuck
I’m getting confused with this image of Jane Lynch in this other horrible person oh god
haunt your dreams.
lOh my god. I’m gonna have to watch Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something tonight night. Just
Just to take the edge off
Yeah. You don’t want images of Jane Lynch going down your pants. Yeah.
But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you just got to come at them hard. I came at her a couple times and it was not good. Yeah, she’s just an asshole. It’s a
workplace. bullies are always crappy, but thank god I’ve never experienced workplace bullying but school bullying Elementary School. fuck ton. Can I say that? Yeah. Yeah. It started with this boy, Larry. I kid you not this kid was probably like 6′ 4″ 250 in the fourth grade. And he would just bully everybody and just like Cal, one day, I was just like, I’m not taking this shit ever again. And so he runs up behind me pushes me down. I scraped my knees. You know, I’m like bleeding as hell. And I turn around, I’m just like, I’m gonna punch this kid. You know, and I punched him one time square in the jaw. It didn’t faze him whatsoever. whatsoever. But he never fought back. He never swung. He just kind of like looked at me and then walked away. And I kid you not ever since that day, he never messed with me ever again. But what it did was, I’m sorry, black folks, but it got the other two black kids in my class because I was in Germany, you know, mixed races and whatnot. The other two black kids now wanted to see if they can beat me in a fistfight. So then I had to deal with it. These two kids, and one was um, Cedric. Screw you, Cedric. And other kid was Anthony. Screw you, Anthony. And Cedric pulled one of the recess classes. A day after that Larry incident. He pulled my shirt over my head and started boxing me. So I couldn’t see. Right. So what I did was I took my shirt off after like getting hit like 10 million times. I threw it around his head and started boxing him and that backed him off.
There you go
bloody nose, I got a bloody nose. He got a bloody nose. Okay. Teacher stopped us. We didn’t get in trouble because I was like a good kid. And Cedric was a pretty good kid too. But I don’t know why started picking on me. And then the next day Anthony wants to have boxing matches with me too. So he brings boxing gloves to school in a backpack?
Oh, shit. Muhfucks came prepared.
Yeah, he gives me one glove. And I’m like, What the hell is this for? he like put it on. I’m like, I’m not putting this on. Next thing. I know, this fucker got gloves on. And he’s boxing me. Geez. And so I’m not a boxer. I don’t know anything about boxing. I’m in the fourth grade. So I put him in a headlock with one glove. I’m punching him in the face. He’s punching my stomach, punching my nuts, punching my face. And then we got stopped by the military police. We live in like a housing area that’s like in the army. So he broke us up and told us that if we continued we would get community service. And then like I said before, in the previous episodes, our dads would get demoted. Our dads would get talked to and possibly lose rank because we were f ups. You know, so that stopped that but that went on in the span of three days. And I’ve never been bullied before. But in those three days, it was just like, white kid, black kid, black kid, scraped knee punched in the face, punched in the face with boxing gloves. But after doing that, though, I kind of gained respect from people. It’s like, Oh, you don’t mess with him because he fights back. And that’s kind of like how I dealt with bullying. And even in high school. I did the same thing when people tried to bully me like a kid smacked me my first day in middle school. Shout out Aberdeen Middle School. First day in middle school gym class, someone took a social studies book. This kid named Buster buster. That’s that was his nickname. smacked me upside the head with a social studies book. And I turned around and everyone was pointing at this kid. He did it. He did it. So I cold cocked him right in the face with an open hand bitch smack. Hmm. bow. Same thing. He just looked at me I had my hands in a fist. And I was like, What are you gonna do? And I’m shaking. And I’m asking them what are you gonna do? And he was just like, nothing and then he’s walked off. Same thing like you Cal like he is this was this was a big kid to man. Yeah, I was scrawny. I mean, I was like a buck 20 in middle school.
Shit you and me both bro. It’s funny that like, the more stories we share, the more I realize we had the exact same upbringing minus the military. Yeah, because it’s crazy. There was a time. So in middle school, actually, no, it is a grade school, this is must have been like, fifth grade. So we’re like, you know those long lunch tables, right? where like, you’re just kind of sitting on those long ass lunch tables. And we had this kid in our class, his name is dasheen.
Bless you bless you
See, that’s the kind of shit he had to deal with. And on top of that, he had some big ass ears. So people used to fuck with him all the time, because his name his big ass ears or whatever. And he sitting next to me at this lunch table one day, and everybody’s like, you know, putting, like bunny ears over his head, you know, stupid shit. But it’s, I mean, inherently harmless. But I guess he had had enough, right. So I did it to him. And then he wanted to hit me. So he kind of like he reached out at me and he had long nails, he scratched me over my eye. And it was, it was almost like Bruce Lee, you know, like when he used to get cut, and like, yeah, taste his own blood, and just go go nuts. Just like sort of rage out. This like, so he scratches me above my eye. I go like that. And you know, I wipe my head. And I see the blood. And I just look at him and I just went right in his nose. Dang blood everywhere that just went blood everywhere. Yeah. So you know, the teacher runs over and then you got to stand against the wall because you in trouble for the rest of the lunch period. Got called to the principal’s office. My mom had to come in. And I was a good kid. Like, I didn’t do any of this kind of shit. So my mother was like, What the hell? And I was like, he hit me first. You know? So I hit him back. And then by the time I got home, my dad was like, Yeah, that’s right. Shit. fuck him up. You know? That was like, the only time I’ve really gotten into a fight. Because after that, it was more stories like yours, where once you stand up to people, they kind of just back off. Yeah, you know, they don’t know. Yeah, they don’t. People don’t really want to do shit. They, I think it’s just more like, they want to test you to see if they can push you around. When they realize they can’t then it’s like, Okay, do I really want to fight?
Real quick, real quick. This kid Craig same thing Middle School. He was talking to a girl that I was kind of like my quote unquote girlfriend at the time. And um, he, you know, talking a lot of crap to me because he said, Well, I can get your girl and you know the girl Jackie. Thank you, Jackie. was like not even trying to stop him. Right? So she was like, haha, you know, Craig likes me too. And I was like, screw that. Like, you know, I’m gonna fight you and you’re like, No, I’m not gonna fight you. Like, I’m not gonna fight you over girls. I was like, okay, so I start to walk away. And this guy picks up a rock. Oh, throw it at me and says, john, because he used to call me john. Instead of Mikko, john, I turned around and I kid you not. This thing hits me right above my eyebrow, splits my forehead, gushing and bleeding. And then he runs off. And I go home and my dad was kind of like what made me bring it up. My dad was just like, Whoa, what did you do to the other guy? It was like bleeding here. Like, what happened to the other guy? I was like, Oh, he’s like, ran off. He was like, oh, let’s get you stitched up. It wasn’t even like, Hey,
Yeah, I got a scar above my eye now. Because, Craig, wherever you’re at Craig. Thanks for that rock.
Yeah, yeah. And my dad was just more like, whatever. I mean, they always told me, you know, don’t hit first. But if somebody hit you got a right to defend yourself.
It’s exactly what my dad says too.
I mean, dasheen definitely got it worse. I might have broken his nose. There was blood everywhere. You know, I had just had a little scratch over my eye. You know, I yeah, he was done. He was done after that. So, I mean, if had I been a little older, I might have had some honeys after that. No, no, they might have been like, Oh, damn Cal’s strong. You know? Yeah. But, you know, fifth grade, I know what to do it with that level of popularity. So I just, I justdidn’t do with that. I didn’t know I didn’t know how to parlay that into, you know, into anything else. It was just like, Okay, let’s go to math class.
Coulda had two chocolate milks out of it
Right, exactly. You know, could I had somebody bring me extra cupcake with their lunch for the next week or something. But when I become a parent, I’m gonna tell him early like, Listen, you ever do this? Make sure to ask for, you know, for some pastries.
I’d like to take a quick second. Yeah, if we could. There’s a teacher I had in mind that I gotta think. I’m sure she’s gone and passed by now. But I think her name was Mrs. Carrollton. And she was my homeroom teacher in seventh grade. And there was this kid who would sit behind me sometimes. RJ RJ looked like he was product of inbreeding. I mean, he had, his eyes were really close together, they were kind of crossed. He didn’t sound intelligent Mongoloid ish Mongoloid adjacent. He didn’t sound sound intelligent. And I mean, he was like this big bruising kid, you know, seven foot tall, 300 pound 400 pounds. He looked like this giant kid. And we’re passing papers behind us. And I must have done it the wrong way. or looking at it the wrong way. Because he starts slapping me in the back of my head. I’m gonna beat the shit out of you after class. And again, I’m in seventh grade. I’m not a big kid. I was tall, but I was not. I mean, I must have been like, shit. I was probably in seventh grade, probably like five foot ten. 13 inch feet, maybe 125 pounds, hundred and 30 pounds with a ton of pimples. And I stuttered. I was a rich tapestry of adolescence, right there Now, a lot of uncomfortableness in the middle class, put a note up, man, you know. And so he’s slapping me. And I’m like, I can’t get up. Because this guy would just pound the shit out of me. So the teacher sees this happening. And she looked like the beehive hairdo and all old school lady, she comes up and she starts wailing on this kid.
She musta hit him, like five times. Because the whole class was like, nobody fucking talked. And she goes, RJ, bam. How’s that feel? Bam. Bam, stop hitting him. Bam, you’re going to do it again? Bam. And I’m like, shitting myself because I’m thinking I’m gonna get fucked up as a result of this. She doesn’t really say anything to me. I don’t remember her saying anything to me. I like dared to look back for a split second. He didn’t see me looking back. But he’s sitting there. And he’s like touching his head like it. That should hurt. She got him. Mm hmm. And I’d like to think that she knows she wore these big giant rings and shit. But I don’t remember any of that. I just remember her standing up for me. God did beat the shit out of him. And he never touched me again
that was back in the day when teachers could get violent that was acting that she was crazy. It reminded me You reminded me of a story from high school. I don’t know if you went there yet. But you remember Mr. Holst?
Oh, yeah. Dude, you got to describe him, man. You got to describe this.
So he was a gym teacher. And he was Yeah, he used to play football for the school like back in maybe like the 70s or whatever. So a lot of these people kind of hung around. And he was like a local hero and shit. So he becomes a gym teacher. And you’re just not a guy that you fuck with. You know, he was very fit. He wasn’t a big guy. He might have been five, nine tenish.
Yeah. But he was very fit. Like, you know, like he had the V shape like broad shoulders thin waist like you didn’t like you know
Like a frog
Just not. Exactly.
Like that SNL skit where they did the steroids. They’re all big on top and they got this little ass leg.
Exactly. Looks like a fucking frog. Exactly what he looks like. I never thought about that before.
Yeah. And he would always just walk around like, you know, like, twirling his whistle around his finger and shit. So we played volleyball one day in gym class, and there was this kid that moved from Yonkers. So Yonkers is closer to Manhattan, Bronx, it’s definitely more city. There’s parts of it that actually is considered New York City. Yeah. For people who may not know that’s where DMX and the LOX and Ruff Ryders are from right. So there’s a section in there, that’s just you don’t fuck around. And so he was from, I guess, somewhere near that area. So he moved up to where we were, which is nothing like that at all. I guess he thought he was a badass, and he was just gonna come in and just do whatever the fuck he wants. Right? So
can you give a name?
Doug? Do you remember Doug?
Yeah, so we’re playing volleyball and Holst had one rule outside of the regular rules of you know how to play volleyball and shit, which everybody pretty much knew. But he was like, yo, when it’s your time to serve, call out the score. and Holst was serious like here was no jokes with Holst.
So Doug’s about to go serve. And he doesn’t do it. And he hits the ball and Holst says Yo, didn’t I tell y’all to call out the score? And Doug must have done some shit like, like, whatever, you know. This motherfucker flies off the net. So y’all know like tennis. Right. So we like the umpires up at the top of the net. That’s where Holst was. He came down that shit so fast. And mind you I’m standing right next to Doug when this happens. He comes down them steps, runs over to Doug grabs him by the throat. Body slams him onto the basketball court that we were playing on. And he’s like, Yo, I’m aint one of these punk ass teachers from Yonkers Don’t be fucking with me, and I’m standing there, like
for some additional context for everybody out there, Holst did some kind of martial art, where he had sticks. And every now and then he would just flip these sticks around and whenever we would all be fucking around in gym class, you could hear him say he wasn’t even whispering it. He goes, swear to god, I’m gonna lock these doors and fuck everybody up in here. I’m gonna lock the door, watch. I swear, I’m saying that, without an ounce of exaggeration, he would flip the stick around, and just at one point he got so fed up, he showed us a video of him in his school, like, sparring and shit. And then he goes, now you know what I’m talking about. Now? You know, I can do this. You’ve seen on video. Wanna mess around with me? Wanna mess around me?
Is it? Uh, is it, Kali?
I don’t know what the hell it was called
those sticks. I don’t know what that is. So I just googled it. Because there’s a gym that I go to on one day a week. This guy comes in and teaches this thing called Kali and it’s with sticks. So to teach you how to fight with sticks. Now I’m googling it. It says it’s the national martial art of the Philippines.
Yes. Yes, it is.
You so you know what it is?
Yeah. So that has to be what Holst was doing must be way back in the day.
Oh, my God, he would tell everybody, he would just say again, full volume. I’m gonna fuck everybody up. And he just didn’t mess with him. And none of the jerk offs in our school ever dicked around in his class?
Any of the dickheads who were in our school, they never messed around in his class. They either they either skipped it, or they never messed around.
Nah, Holst was just not a guy to fuck with and you see people do shit like that. And again, this is this is the 90s You know, this is before kids was talking about child abuse and shit like that. And you know, I mean, imagine a teacher doing that now.
I know. We’re segwaying Billy thing but teachers in that school did some weird stuff, man. There was a teacher who loved getting her suntan on. And she go out and like, uh, didn’t she go out in a bikini one time?
Whoa. What school? Did y’all go to?
Shit? Like the mirrors and shit.
The fuck? what subject
I don’t know.
All right, I don’t want to sideline the conversation
about to turn into a different kind of high school stories. oh word? I don’t remember that. That’s funny.
So before we go into our final segment, I do have a workplace bully, too. And I’ve had, I’ve actually had a couple, but there was one who was particularly bad. And she was a general manager of a hotel I was working at. And she comes in from a hotel in like upstate New York, like Albany, and comes down thinking she’s like God’s gift she had won all these awards for Marriottand came in with this great reputation. So everybody was excited, because the guy we had before her was really useless. He didn’t do anything. And ultimately, people want direction. People want leadership. So people were excited for her to come in. And she comes in like, she was God’s gift to the world. But just like, evil is a strong word. But that was her approach. Everything was just, you’re going to do it because I said, so. kind of thing, right? But she was nice to associates that we’re guest facing. So like front desk and restaurant, and whatever. But it was like, the higher level you were as a manager, the more she was an ass to you. And she came in and made it a point to have meetings with a whole bunch of managers like sales managers and events and made it a point very loud and proud in the office of Hey, you know, I’m meeting with everyone. I’m scheduled this in at whatever, guess who doesn’t get a meeting? Right? So I’m sitting there, well, what’s that about? Come to find out not to get too detailed about the way the industry works. But she didn’t come from a place where revenue management was respected. Right? So in smaller markets like Albany, you might have a person working for Marriott that might have 15 hotels, right? You never see them. You don’t know what they do. And they’re probably not paying you that much attention, right? Unless you’re the biggest Hotel in their portfolio. So very different to what she was used to with us, like with the company I was with every single hotel has a designated person for that reason, because you’re there to catch everything. So she came in with this attitude of like, Well, what I do is not really important. And she she didn’t set a meeting with me I had to go to her. I’m not trying to be outcast or anything like this, you know, I’m trying to make a good relationship. I went to her to set the meeting. We have it and she’s telling me how well you know, I need to change my mindset because you know what revenue management is not more important than servicing the guests or whatever. I’m like, Well, I’m not here to debate what’s more important, but when the owners come here, they care about how much money they make, and they don’t give a shit about your scores. Yeah, hey, they’re not worried about a bad TripAdvisor review if they’ve hit budget that month they really don’t care. But she never had any respect for for the discipline or what I was doing. So I’m not saying this was about me personally, I just think that was that was just her approach. So we’ve had a few situations where it was, because she didn’t think I was doing much. She tried to throw me this other guy’s work. And we had a front office manager who was a real dingbat, like, he didn’t do any work at all. And she tried to throw me his shit. And I’m like, Wait a second. I’m not doing his work. I’m not here to do his work. And she’s like, Well, you know, what are you doing? And I’m actually brought, like, my job description, in a sense this to kind of be like, Hey, listen, you know, I’m not trying to be an ass here. But I have a lot of stuff to do this is in case you don’t know what it is that I do. Here’s what I’m doing, I really came from from the standpoint of just trying to educate her, and she flips it off the desk, she like throws it off the desk, I don’t need this, you know, I know you’re busy, fine. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. I’m like, okay, there really is just no communicating with you, right, there’s no way to communicate with you. So lots and lots of situations like that. And then this all came to a head once where there was a certain report that needed to be done, but it’s like a weekly report for ownership. But every department has their part. So I would fill in the top line revenue and how we did on the STR report that week, and whatever. And that was my part, then it goes off to accounting and food and beverage and sales, they all have their piece to do. So I did my piece. And then I gave it to the Assistant General Manager for him to do his, she comes to me and says, You shouldn’t be passing off your work. Like upline, like upstream to your superior. And I would looked at her crazy for two reasons. I’m like, number one, I did my work. I’m not passing off anything. Number two, he’s not my superior, because I reported directly to a VP of revenue, not anybody actually on the property, not even to the GM. So when she found that out, she really didn’t like me and she was giving me a hard time. So I kind of was like, Well, why would you say that? And why would you say it that way? And she’s like, well, he’s assistant GM, right? I’m like, Yeah, well, then if I’m not here, he’s in charge. I’m like, Yeah, and I kind of leading her to the point, I don’t even report to you. So what the fuck are you talking about? Right? And she just keeps going again and keeps being an ass. I’m like, Alright, you know what? This is it now. So I called my VP and I’m like, like, Listen, I really don’t want to get you involved in this kind of nonsense, but this is what it is. She’s like, don’t worry about it is go on about your business. I go back do some work. And that day, we had our, like, white elephant thing for the Office for Christmas. exchanging the gifts. Yeah. And I went did some work. And then like 10 minutes later, I’m walking into the room for that white elephant thing I walk in. We lock eyes, and she just looked down at the ground. And I was like, oh, somebody got a talking to huh?
you know, I tried I tried not to go there with you. I tried to go to and I would love to say to got better after that. It really didn’t she wrote me all the fucking time and it’ll tell you how petty I am. And I pity I could be she’s from Missouri, from wherever part that people root for the Chiefs. I remember her years ago saying that you know what her grandfather was older and you know he’s rooting for the chiefs. I want the Chiefs to win last year when the Chiefs won the Super Bowl. I rooted against them for that reason. I I didn’t want her to be happy for a second.
I was like fuck the Chiefs, Okay, I don’t want to see the Chiefs win shit. Fuck Mahomes Kelce and all of them you made her happy for a couple of days. Fuck y’all
beat my ravens last week. Fuck y’all.
Yeah, shit. I’m saying it’s Jj season. Give somebody else a chance.
Oh, man. So I think that’s a nice lead in to our get off my lawn. We got the blood pumping here a little bit. Yeah, Who wants to go first?
tight ass pants.
skin tight. spandex pants. What the fuck. It looks downright feminine to me. I don’t need to see the shape of your kneecaps. Save the tights for ladies fellas. Save it for the ladies. It’s it’s not masculine. Put on some real pants, relaxed jeans. slim fit is cool skinny jeans, okay. But super skinny, stretchy jeans are not jeans, their leggings son leggings. save them for the ladies, fellas. I don’t want to see him.
Like Jay-z said. I can’t wear skinny jeans because my knots don’t fit.
Exactly. Exactly. Stop wearing them.Whatever.
for real Man.
Oh my god. This has been one of mine before, but I’m going to do it again because it happened today. Hmm. And anyone out there anyone who’s listening to the sound of my voice if you’re at a department store, or on the sidewalk, and there’s more than three people in your party, you fuckers have to walk. Not all three of you shoulder wide or four of you shorter wide, blocking up the whole aisle. You know who I’m talking about? It’s your aunts and uncles who you go to the stores with. Or some some stupid kit. I’m at Costco today. And I was in a good mood. I’m with my daughter. And there’s a family of like five people and they’re all side by side, blocking up the entire fucking thing. having a conversation about the wipes they give you to wipe down the cart. I lost my shit. I like stood there for a good second. And then my daughter was like, what are we doing? And I go, I’m sitting here like an idiot arent I? and I go move. And back at me. Like I’m a weirdo. Blocking the entrance to the Costco. And then I see these idiots again, completely oblivious. They’re walking five wide in this thing down the aisle. It drove me nuts. So yeah, if you’re walking more than two wide in a party, eat a dick. you have a social contract with everybody else out there that when you walk outside, you’re not going to be a dick. If you’re walking more than two wide on a sidewalk or down an aisle, you’re being a dick. Stop it. And I’m talking about when the store is busy. Not when it’s empty when it’s empty. Walk five, crawl around for all I care. They’re just inconsiderate Fox you blame the Costco I blame the neighborhood. I blame the neighborhood it’s it’s out there in the far suburbs. Everybody’s driving big SUVs. Living in their Ryan homes, they’re you know mcmansions they love that shit. love walking five wide down the fucking aisle in Costco and I’m trying to get in and out of there quick to get some brisket with my kid.
Oh, man. Yeah. So my shit this week it’s just people just mind your business. Okay, my business. So I’ve talked about on previous episodes. Every Friday, I go up to the farm, I pick up our CSA, have my lunch, and I chill. And it’s actually a really nice peaceful thing for me now, you know, it’s like a nice way to wind down the week. I pick up my stuff have lunch, and then I’ll go pick whatever it is they have that week, I pick some flowers and, and I just chill and actually is a really nice way to relax. And they have a sheep there that they have in a pen. And it’s like, Oh, you got you go say hi to the sheep because people love animals. I love animals, right? So I go hang out and I’m sitting there. And I’m just picking up grass from outside the pen and giving it to the sheep because as soon as he sees you, he runs over, you’d like you love to just engage with people. So I’m literally picking grass from outside the pen out of the ground and feeding it to him. And he’s loving this. I’m enjoying myself for like a good 5-10 minutes. And all of a sudden I hear “you’re not supposed to feed the sheep”. So I like I slowly turn around to find this old lady there. And I’m like, excuse me. She’s like, You’re not supposed to feed the sheep. There’s a sign right there. And the sign on the thing says high voltage. It’s a electric fence. So the sheep doesn’t run through it. I’m assuming. And I said that says high voltage and I turned back around. She’s like, well, but there’s there’s the signs everywhere. You’re not supposed to feed the sheep and I was like, well it’s grass so it doesn’t matter. And she says it again. You’re not supposed to feed the sheep. I’m like it’s grass. And she walks away. I was like you fucking up my vibe. I’m sitting here chillin you know, me and my boy Fordham. That’s his name. His name is Fordham. We sitting here vibing on a Friday afternoon, smoking some grass. Okay, why you hatin? Mind your fucking business. Plus, I’m a grown man. I’m a grown man. I know you’re not supposed to feed animals. What the fuck you think I gave him McDonald’s? I mean, or is there a difference between the grass outside the fence as opposed to the grass inside?
Calm down shephard sally
Like yo can you get the fuck out of here with this? mind your business? Like you know don’t try to ruin my vibe. Damn. My dog on let’s do some manual real Just mind your business. Mind your business. If you don’t if you don’t work here, you don’t work at the spot. Don’t be giving people rules and regulations shut the fuck up,
you my master now?
let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Can you kick my ass?
anyway Anyways, we’re gonna debut a new segment today. called, I don’t like that jerk.
And this is where we’re just gonna roast somebody we’re gonna roast the jerk of the week. So Mikko’s First up, Mikko got our celebrity roast for the week. So take it away, sir.
You know what? Donald Trump’s stupid ass has got to get roasted this week. I’m sorry. You act like a child. You did it in front of millions of people on national TV. When you didn’t get your way you interrupted people, you pounded on the table, and you look like a big ass child. And, to me, that’s what makes you the jerk of the week. Because, one, you couldn’t keep it to yourself two you did it in front of a national TV audience. And you didn’t care. And when it all ended, you just look like a sourpuss. That’s what you look like a sourpuss?
Yeah, he’s basically from watching the debate. He’s basically an overgrown fifth grader was thinking about? Yeah, yeah. Remember that movie jack? with Robin Williams. jack is actually a bad analogy. Because he’s a good character. He’s just like, an, he’s a child. It’s like 10 years old, but he’s in a grown man’s body because he has some type of thing. But that’s what reminded me of this is the way he behaves like he’s just, he acts like what I think a five year old acts like, just constantly interrupting, and you need to get his get your way. And it was one time when Chris Wallace told him, Hey, you know, you need to stop interrupting. And he goes, Well, he’s doing it. And he’s like, well, I’ll talk to him after and then he’s like, okay, you know, and it’s kind of like, the fuck is are you talking to a grown man or a five year old? Like, you know, that made him feel better that the other guy was gonna get in trouble too. And when you’re the only one doing the shit,
exactly. All you hear Chris was saying is or is, Mr. President? Mr. President, Mr. President, it’s like, mute the fucker already. God just mute him, you know, for the entire debate. I don’t care. I don’t even want to hear your side. Mute his ass. He’s like a big ass Billy Madison. You know what i mean? Just Ah, sorry.
Billy Madison, what was the other movie? Black Sheep? black sheep. It was the guy’s name. Chris Farley. Chris Farley. Yeah.
He’s getting there.
No, for sure. That’s why I was gonna say big ass baby is right. Like, did you see the shots from like, like behind the stage? This dude is busting out his suit. He need to hopefully COVID make him lose a couple pounds or something. You need to do somethin like where you get a suit to fit that body. He’s built like the letter S.
He is the worst dressed president. He just looks sloppy in the hair. God damn the hair, shaved the shit. Or get a better wig. Some that that comb over shit. It’s not the business. Trump. I’m sorry. It’s not the business. You just look like a fool.
The man rockin $70,000 he spends on his hair. He wrote that down on taxes. Really? When the New York Times came out with the expose on his taxes, yeah, he wrote his businesses have all suffered losses and all this nonsense and he he writes down everything as a tax tax write off, including spending 70 grand on his hair
to do what? it looks like shit.
Imagine without the 70 grand that’s 70 grand worth right there.
Like what do you even do with that?
You know what? It might only be like three or four strands of hair on the man’s head. They’re just a mile long. And like whoever 70 grand to sculpt something into something that looks like you know, it’s got it looks like it has an asshole on it looks like a dead animal just flopped on his head
No for sure.
Maybe it’s just three strands of hair. That’s it.
I mean, whatever salon he goes to, I mean, that’s why it’s so expensive because you’re working wonders here. Like I don’t even know how you rock that hairstyle. What that is not to look like some he pulled out of a pillow way back when and just slapped it on top.
Guys a buffoon. I’m sorry, he’s just a fucking buffoon, man.
Yes, sir. Well, he’s an appropriate person for that segment. I don’t like that jerk. There’s no bigger jerk than that. So well done. Well done. We’ll move in, move into this week’s shout out. And this one comes from Allyson Devito. Her quote is this has seriously been the best podcast I’ve heard in a long time. I wish I could have commented live. If you are a podcast listener. Give Steve Calvin and the other guy a chance.
Thank you, Ally.
Thank you, I guess.
Thank you, Alison. His name is Mikko. So you know, we gonna have to make the meme this week. You know, put some respect on his name.
put a big question mark on my face.
But we appreciate the love. We appreciate the shout out. Thank you. Thank you. And now it’s time to wrap it up with our Chris Rock quote of the week.
A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.
That is very true.
I forget I was in but which is
Yeah, shit. I think he was talking about bush. He got progressively worse from there. Yeah,
I think that’s like four or five of them, like, lined up Mikko went with Trump. So I thought that was pretty fitting.
Yeah, for sure. For sure.
Mine is more leaning toward what we were discussing earlier about the debates. And you know, that got me thinking about Democrats and Republicans and conservatives and liberals. And I think Chris Rock on. Want to say bigger and blacker was like, I’m liberal. I’m conservative. Bullshit. Be a fucking person. Listen, let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. no normal decent person is one thing, okay? I got some shit. I’m conservative about I got some shit. I’m liberal about crime. I’m conservative. prostitution. I’m liberal.
I gotta work harder on Chris Rock quote now
why is that ?
you had the whole setup, all I had was the one line I didn’t even know what’s special that came from
man. I watched that shit for four years straight bro.
I Well, I’ll drop one. And then you can come back in Steve if you want to mine was more about the bullying part of our conversation brought up the winning youth like we need bullies. How the fuck you going to have a school with no bullies? bullies do half the work! That’s right. teachers do one half bullies do the whole other half. He was talking about dealing with Trump. You know, like, you know, we found people you created a society, anti bullying and all this stuff. And then we didn’t know how to deal with a bully. And a real bully came through and became president. So listen to these lessons learn how to deal with bullies. punch them in the face.
Fuck bullies. can’t stand it.
All right. All right, so we’re gonna wrap up great chat this week, talking about bullies. As always, this is Calvin. You can find me on Instagram at Revparblems. Or if you have no idea what I just said. Head over to my website at revparblems.com figure out who I am and get familiar.
And this is Mikko the Filipino. You can catch me on Instagram at Mikko underscore eats where I showcase a lot of the foods that I eat at and see you then.
And this is Steve you can hear me every Thursday on the midlife crisis podcast with Calvin and Mikko.
Yes, sir. So thank you for joining us on another episode of midlife crisis podcast. If you enjoyed today’s episode, please leave us a review on iTunes. Tell a friend try to remember all of our names, but we appreciate it anyway. See what we’re up to in between episodes on Instagram at midlife crisis podcast show notes for this and all episodes are available on midlife crisis podcast com where you can sign up for the mailing list, drop us a note to let us know what topics you’d like to hear us talk about. Thanks for tuning in, and we’ll catch you on the next one.